A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a long, hard look at herself.”You know, dear,” she sighs, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband and says, “Please tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself…” He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,”Well, at least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm’s Memorial Chapel
Thought for the day: As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS”?
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”
Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”
The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”
The young trooper said, “Not, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffer!”
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son’s surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, “You don’t pray so long when you’re hungry, do you Grandpa?”
During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Gary answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle… and He just then did!”
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our ‘trash baskets’ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,”And all girls”. As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response,”Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny, wait until we say our prayer.”
“I don’t have to,” The boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
”That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, “If you ain’t goin’ to eat that, mind if I do?”
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states, “Nah, go ahead.”
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too…”
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
“There he was. All dressed up and no place to go.”
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”
“Faith now,” exclaimed Paddy, “I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.”
Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb? One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible. The Church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God’s work.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”
“I did,” replied the old cowboy.
“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.
“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He says He’s never been in this church!”
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell Me.” replies God.
“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take plain dirt and form it into the likeness of you, and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s very interesting … show Me, ” says God.
So, the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
“No, no, no ..” interrupts God, “GET YOUR OWN DIRT.” Any questions?
There were 3 men traveling to a meeting: a mechanical engineer, a chemist, and a Microsoft programmer. After the meeting, their car wouldn’t keep running.
The mechanical engineer said, “I noticed that the car was making a thumping noise. I suggest that the timing chain has a worn spot in it and is about to go out. We should have it towed in to a mechanic for repair.”
The chemist said, “No, I am sure it is a vapor lock, and I suggest that we have the gasoline analyzed.”
The Microsoft programmer said, “No, you guys are both wrong. All we have to do to solve the problem is to shut off the engine, get out of the car and slam the doors, get back into the car, and just restart the engine. It will then work fine.”
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agony of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought he was already in Heaven, for there, spread out on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, the dying Irishman threw himself towards the table and he landed in a rumpled posture. The cookies seemed to bring the dying man back to life. His aged and withe trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table.
Suddenly, his hand was smacked with a spatula by his wife with a warning: “They’re for the funeral.”
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.” She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, “How many is a brazilian?”
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their “wee-wees” to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fourth grade.”
“No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today.”
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain’t too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was.”
St. Peter continued to say, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replied, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week, begins with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.
“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? How in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest replied, “Shucks, there is got to be twelve: January 2nd,February 2nd,March 2nd . . .”
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….. but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too. Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?
“Sure”, Forrest replied, “its Andy.”
“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song:
“ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN.”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.”
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained. “One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the
best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry.” she said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.”